Moul In Motion

(Hey..after this I'm going to mainly in Xanga 'cause it will upload to Facebook and I want to maintain fewer things online.)

 I dream of a family too, but I am not going to sit still and make myself less than who God has made me in order to be acceptable. In my own mind, my future goals are simple. I want to go back to Macau- a small place with an incredible amount of life, culture and worlds packed on top of each other.

I want to work with local Christians to start a "L'Abri" type center for kids at risk, providing counseling, skill training in English and jobs, music and art classes and eventually a live-in center for kids who don't fit in the normal education system. I want to show them that this life is real, the decisions they make are real; that there is more to this life than money. I want to show them that this reality is Jesus. I want to spend my life among these people, not as a leader but as a representative of Jesus; as a friend. I want to do this not for the response that I may get but because an act of love; of incarnation is always valuable. I want to live upstairs in this center and grow flowers with my husband who does whatever job glorifies God and makes him happy and who also is committed to incarnational living. My mom will be happy to know that I do hope to give her grandchildren...someday. When I retire, I want to run a flower shop with Tina Cheong.

What's special about this? I think it's just the location...or maybe it should be only the location.

But being in my hometown inevitably makes me feel strange. The things that I have achieved, the friends that know me best, the goals that I have given myself to since graduating from highschool are not represented here. I would like to face something that I have always tried to ignore: I am an outsider here. Maybe if I had gone to Hart or Shelby High I would have enough warm memories of the past to tie me together with people that I grew up with.

Maybe if I had learned earlier that spirituality has a lot to do with laughter I would have made bridges with friends from highschool. I spoke too much truth without dancing; made goals without warmth.  People here have always been good to me, but sometimes I wonder if that is because they like me or because they are trying to do the "right" thing. It is an interesting cycle that many people my age left Hart for a while only to return when they married and had families. This is a good place for stable people. Maybe I am not stable enough yet. I am too idealistic. I am too passionate. If I care about something I can't laugh it off. Perhaps I am perceived as a ballastic missile fallen in a farmer's field. Mabye if I was a guy my gifts would make more sense to people here. Maybe I think too much.

 I am a white person who sometimes thinks in Chinese, I am an evangelical Christian who is not Republican. I believe in committment and loyalty but I have moved at least 8 times in 5 years.

The problem is that I care too much. I don't think I will ever be able to give up trying, and I can't just say the way I think is my neurosis and move on. I can't turn my back on this place because I don't think that is the right thing to do. I am not someone who doesn't care how many people dislike them. I am an idealist. I think things can always be better. People can always change. A crippled relationship is better than a cut-off relationship because there is still chance for improvement. But this also means that there might be infection and no healing.

Is this idealism or addiction?